All the Difference

I like to push the edges when I write. It's easy to self-censor--the little voice inside that tells you what you are writing doesn't make sense or perhaps goes too far. Too far where? Pushing to uncomfortable places when you write is usually a sign that you are getting to what matters. We all want to feel something when we read. It's not always possible for me to get to the place where I can access my unconscious mind. Often I'm too controlled in my writing. It's when I really let go that I'm amazed at the way the words tumble out. I'm not sure I understand the process but I am humbled by it. All artists know what it feels like to be an instrument for your art. It's liberating and intoxicating.

Illusion and Reality

My horoscope says, "If you can create the illusion of success in public, it could become reality." I'm not sure what the illusion of success is. I think success means different things to different people. To some, success is a new car, a vacation abroad, a healthy bank balance. To artists, success may mean public recognition--such a fickle thing. I've done poetry readings with over 100 people and I've read for 3 people. I like to think that I read with the same expression and enthusiasm for 3 as I did for 100. I measure my life's success by loving others and making a difference. I advocate for my students as I advocated for my clients when I was in the counseling profession. It's hard for some people to find a voice and I remember when it was hard for me to speak out and say what I thought was true. Sometimes I still hesitate.

A man came into the office a couple of weeks ago. He was lost, looking for work and hungry. I gave him money but first I ran the same dialogue in my mind we all run--is he just going to use it to buy drugs or alcohol? Is he a con artist? His story was convincing to me and I'm a person who attends to stories. It sometimes feels right to reach out just as an American couple reached out to my daughter and her friend hiking in the Alps. They took them out for a good dinner when they had been subsisting on hostel breakfasts and whatever else they could scrounge on a meager college student budget. I guess I don't care so much about financial success or even national recognition (though I wouldn't turn either down). I care about art, family, friends, and being honest in the world and in my life. Living with integrity is important. I am ever aware that I am lucky to have these choices. There are many people who must do work they don't believe in because they have to feed their families. It is a reason I advocate for education--though education alone can't always free a person from those difficult decisions.

I am working on a manuscript--a humbling task. Lately I am also working on paying attention to myself as well as the outside world. What are my illusions? What is my reality? There are no easy answers as I continue to write the story of my life.